Tuesday, 7 April 2015

Staying Strong! And fighting the battle in life.

You know that feeling? When you're just waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed. Just let everything out that you kept in all day. You just want someone to be there and tell you its okay. But no one is going to be there. You know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you are tired, tired of being strong.

I guess after being strong for a long time and getting things in life back together. Most of people think that things are going good in my life. You struck a chord with me on being strong, People have said “oh you are handling it so well” what does that mean?  Because I don't look so,  I am doing all right. As you know everything, I had my long battle of dealing with my flaws & insecurities; I was being strong for a long time, now I am tired of being strong!!

Everyone talk about that me, happy all time & fun filled person, but nobody knows the other me who gets drowned in one’s own thoughts & sorrows. What can I do as I think of these things wiping my tears from my eyes and not letting anyone find out...Perhaps that is being strong. I don’t know, I just don't think so. I just do things to not to give up this struggle. I think that people sometimes only see one side of it.  I also felt like I could hide behind under the cover, that if I have put together things and like I had it all together, no one would see what a mess I am on the inside, how things have turned out worse, I feel anything but strong the majority of the time, at least I try to be one.  

I have led a life of being the 'strong one'. Putting everyone else's problems before than dealing with my own and wanting to help everyone else, is just what I have always done but I realized that I am the one who needed help the most. It's who I am, Maybe. I put on a brave face and everyone around me sees a strong & independent person. I sit in my lone feelings lost and unsure where to look for direction in life, I spent too long denying my own feelings and now I feel like I am the one who is unravelling. 

While the emotions I am feeling are real, not exaggerated ones, I also take on a great amount of guilt for feeling the way I do and for things turning up the way it is. Yes! There's been things that have hurt me in the past; problems with friends, screwing up jobs, Interviews but nothing I ever considered significant enough to justify why I feel so miserable & pathetic at times. I'm trying so hard to find myself and the ground, but I feel buried.

I want to get my life back on track, but it's so overwhelming. Everyone I encounter these days seems to lie to me, take advantage of me, or just generally be an asshole. I can't get a respite from any of the pain I feel and I can't share it with others. I tried to help everyone I can in any way that I can, but I just feel so hopeless these days that what goes around does not come around.

I just need hope. I need a chance to cry, scream, and just generally hate for a while. I need to feel, I guess. Something other than drowning in a pool of my own misery. I need to know there is still good in this world and that good intentions matter, I am grateful to having a job and a roof over my head, no one is holding me hostage from doing anything but it doesn't take away from the fact that I am losing myself in the process. 

I am being enabled and not encouraged; I have to find motivation within myself even though my soul is hollow and bruised. But it has to be done and I have to find a way to make it happen. It’s the only way I have to get me out of this despair. The worst part about being in this hole is not being understood by anyone here with me. They don’t realize where I have landed and what I am going through.