Thursday, 11 August 2016

Christ University: I survived 3 years of degree amidst personal bias from a faculty


I was going the article 'What Caused The Second Coming of Christ College?' which carried snippets from various blog articles and some unpleasant experiences of students in the institution. Most of the incidents happened during the time when I was in the college. For us, it was another rumour or something we discussed ourself saying Did it happen?

In the past, I had come various other news articles and blog posts in the past. I never made any negative remark or comments before because I didn't want to equate my good amount memory, I had in the 3 years of my BA JPEng ( 2years extra clear back paper) in the college with those bad and unpleasant incidents.

I had to face my own personal bias in college. I really hadn't spoken about it anyone or in any forum. I never shared it with anyone. I was busy with my own internal conflicts trying to figure out things. I wonder how I can translate what I have experienced in my 3 years of surviving in the campus, I really don't know.

I didn't share many commonalities with the average teen and take everything easily. I always asked the question after each semester that Can I survive the next semester? What about discontinuing the course? What about doing something different? I even went to the extent thought of killing myself due to internal mental conflicts.

You might wonder what made me take such drastic steps. It's due to personal prejudice carried by a Psychology faculty from 1st Semester, She made my life hell. She found ways to make me run around, cut down my marks, She refused to sign Practical record and she possibly did everything to make my life hell in college. I was to find out when she wasn't there for 3rd year. She knew the college very well. She has been in this place. She knew it more than me.

I never understand the reason for her prejudice, she showed against me. I never did! I often wondered during my free time thinking numerous possible reason; Do I look her Ex? Do I resemble like someone she dislike? I never got the answer for any of those. I never did. When she got married and she moved out of college, I was happy. I was relieved. It broke my confidence. It left scares deep inside me. I wasn't the same enthusiastic guy who joined the campus.

Psychology department was the department, I hated. If it wasn't her. It was someone else. I never found any pleasant face who took the effort to understand me. Well! There were some who I found somehow nice to me.

It had occurred to me to rat out my room-mates or pg-mates, Even If I had mustered the courage to snitch, where would I have taken my grievances? HOD? Management? I somehow felt helpless thinking no-one will help at all.

I was told by a well-wisher that never give up. I did just that. Or at least I tried. I dragged myself to survive three years and 2 years due to bad evaluation. Somehow magic worked and I got my ticket to kickstart new journey.

I haven't till now done anything big in life. I don't know whether I will ever. What I am doing and have been doing is what I have learned all those years in college to do, Survive. Just survive in life!


Monday, 1 August 2016

Yes, I was Bullied!


Growing up was easy at all, My fondness for books, debates and political incidents over usual trendy stuff, meant I was relentlessly made fun off in high school (9th and 10th standard), consistently insulted and taunted throughout higher secondary school (11th and 12th) and ridiculed at College. I sort of had friends, but they were the one who supported me at times. They were the ones who were nice to me.

I recently watched a video 'I was Bullied' by Arya from Simply Sexy Stupid, which made the remember certain incidents from the past.


When it comes to bullying, it is made at a victim who is helpless and introverted, who over the years becomes more and more ostracised and insecure, who will often tumble into a pit of depression or social anxiety.

This may be true in some cases, but in my own experience, it's not quite true.  The bullying I experienced has been my driving force. It's weird to say bullying can have a positive impact, but it's all about how different people deal with it. It can be a really positive thing.

I am not ashamed of being bullied. It's not my dirty little secret; it's one of the many things that helped shape the person I am today. Of course, the same can't be said for everyone; I'm lucky that I was able to process the bullying rather than internalise the pain and let it affect me in later life.

For anyone being bullied who might be reading this, I understand that this is easier said that done; that attitude shift isn't going to happen overnight. You need experiences and support to deal with it. I can say is that it will most likely get better one day. Don't be afraid to ask for help, If you think you need one.

More than a decade after those unpleasant experiences, I am living with a decent job and friends with lots of talented people who aren't that cool either.

Let me just say this bullying someone is a weak choice. The only reason they come after you is because they think you won’t do anything about it. Does that make anyone strong? No, Not at all.

I can conclude that I am okay. I am not just surviving. I am enjoying my life. They are not the same person anymore, and neither am I.

Sunday, 10 May 2015

When I decided to shake hands with the Devil!

What?" you ask. Yes! That’s what time made me over period of time. You MOTHERFUCKERS.

So here is my terrible truth about what I have happened with over the period of time. I was the confused guy with his innocence roaming around with open willingness to help everyone.

I never got any respect, because society is full of people who need things. They need houses built, they need food to eat, and they need entertainment and need someone to fulfil their sexual relationships. I arrived at that point with my innocence being honest and straightforward, maybe by virtue of my birth.

I realized that I have to go about the task of seeing to those needs by learning a unique set of skills, or the world will reject, no matter how kind, giving, and polite one is. You will be poor, you will be alone, and you will be left out in the cold.

Does that seem mean, or crass, or materialistic? Yes, Darling! Unfortunately that’s the truth.  It’s brutal, rude and inhuman, it is an honest and accurate expression of what the world is going to expect from you.

These things happened with me for a long time. I had to deal with cheaters,blackmailers & backstabbers. That scene changed my life. I programmed myself to play it for me every morning as they wanted it to be. I said to myself “Fuck all that! Let’s go out and show them. “

"Nice guy? Who gives a shit? If you want to live here, change that thing up." “Don't say that you're a nice guy -- that's the bare minimum”

Now, while not giving a fuck may seem simple on the surface, it’s a whole new bag of burritos under the hood. I don’t even know what that sentence means, but I don’t give a fuck.

In my opinion, I don’t hate myself because some people made me feel low-esteem, or because they were mean to me. I mean I realized I shouldn't do. Those things made a different person out of me. I kept on sending private messages to all my close friends asking what I should do with my life.

I’d decide to change something (or usually, many things at once) and implement it immediately. I’d tell myself that from this point forward, things would be different.

I decided bring out the dark sides me out. I decided incorporate the evil traits into me. In fact, I decided to shake hands with the devil because the devil is behind most of the problems you are having. I decided to shake hands with the devil to end all the miseries and problems in life, which often kept me asking how pathetic and miserable I am.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

Staying Strong! And fighting the battle in life.

You know that feeling? When you're just waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed. Just let everything out that you kept in all day. You just want someone to be there and tell you its okay. But no one is going to be there. You know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you are tired, tired of being strong.

I guess after being strong for a long time and getting things in life back together. Most of people think that things are going good in my life. You struck a chord with me on being strong, People have said “oh you are handling it so well” what does that mean?  Because I don't look so,  I am doing all right. As you know everything, I had my long battle of dealing with my flaws & insecurities; I was being strong for a long time, now I am tired of being strong!!

Everyone talk about that me, happy all time & fun filled person, but nobody knows the other me who gets drowned in one’s own thoughts & sorrows. What can I do as I think of these things wiping my tears from my eyes and not letting anyone find out...Perhaps that is being strong. I don’t know, I just don't think so. I just do things to not to give up this struggle. I think that people sometimes only see one side of it.  I also felt like I could hide behind under the cover, that if I have put together things and like I had it all together, no one would see what a mess I am on the inside, how things have turned out worse, I feel anything but strong the majority of the time, at least I try to be one.  

I have led a life of being the 'strong one'. Putting everyone else's problems before than dealing with my own and wanting to help everyone else, is just what I have always done but I realized that I am the one who needed help the most. It's who I am, Maybe. I put on a brave face and everyone around me sees a strong & independent person. I sit in my lone feelings lost and unsure where to look for direction in life, I spent too long denying my own feelings and now I feel like I am the one who is unravelling. 

While the emotions I am feeling are real, not exaggerated ones, I also take on a great amount of guilt for feeling the way I do and for things turning up the way it is. Yes! There's been things that have hurt me in the past; problems with friends, screwing up jobs, Interviews but nothing I ever considered significant enough to justify why I feel so miserable & pathetic at times. I'm trying so hard to find myself and the ground, but I feel buried.

I want to get my life back on track, but it's so overwhelming. Everyone I encounter these days seems to lie to me, take advantage of me, or just generally be an asshole. I can't get a respite from any of the pain I feel and I can't share it with others. I tried to help everyone I can in any way that I can, but I just feel so hopeless these days that what goes around does not come around.

I just need hope. I need a chance to cry, scream, and just generally hate for a while. I need to feel, I guess. Something other than drowning in a pool of my own misery. I need to know there is still good in this world and that good intentions matter, I am grateful to having a job and a roof over my head, no one is holding me hostage from doing anything but it doesn't take away from the fact that I am losing myself in the process. 

I am being enabled and not encouraged; I have to find motivation within myself even though my soul is hollow and bruised. But it has to be done and I have to find a way to make it happen. It’s the only way I have to get me out of this despair. The worst part about being in this hole is not being understood by anyone here with me. They don’t realize where I have landed and what I am going through. 






Friday, 30 January 2015

What's Up With My Love Life?!




The current state of my love life can be described in two words hot and mess. I constantly find myself getting involved with or attached to emotionally unavailable girls. There were girls around and in my life, but with none of them had things really worked out. Whenever I reach home after going out with a girl, 'What the fuck!?’ Dating was just so stressful because it wasn’t happening, I mean, your job should be stressful, not dating.

Many times I wish and wish for the right person to come into life. I don’t seem to understand why it’s not working out with others. The challenge is, when something better does come along, to not run away. After years of disappointment, heart break and unhappy endings, it can be very easy to close down on real love. No matter what, don’t’ let that happen.

Nobody likes being blown off. Over the course of going out with girls, I have been broken up with and rejected before I could figure If something will happen or not. I am not here to talk about those ego blows we take when we stick our necks out to meet someone new.

I’m talking about the unexpected hits we take when meeting a woman, things are progressing and, suddenly, without warning, when she decides to blow off, of course, blown off by someone after a few dates by not returning calls or texts, Yeah I know there are ways to manage these situations, but often end up being confused wondering, Wasn’t it going well? What the hell happened?

Breaking up with someone after only a few dates is like firing someone you haven’t hired yet. It’s awkward, it feels almost unnecessary at times sounds weird too. if you’re single. Sometimes it only takes a few dates to realize she’s not right for you.

This heinous act of cowardice is basically what happens when you don't hear from the person you have been dating. I always just referred to it as the disappearing act. Actually, it occurred to me that it had happened to me in the not too distant past, and it had left me confused & wondering.

I already had many discussions with one of my friend about this issue which happens most of the time with me, and I always come back to a conclusion: when she decides to blow off, Don't ever contact her unless she does. I know its not easy at times, Silence is the easy way out, but it may come back to haunt later.



Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Picking myself up and starting all over again



Did I metaphorically pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again? I have done it many times. When I lost job and got things very messed up in life. I got really wound up in a full body cast manner as some people let down & betrayed me, I had to learn how to walk all over again. It was a painful process and took what seemed like an eternity for me to start all over again. But I was so focused on chasing the idea of perfect life, I didn't learn how to read the signs. How to find out the ones who want me,who really care about me and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.

Starting all over again meant it's me, It's just me on my own, picking up the pieces and starting over again, freeing myself from all miseries up for something better in the future. Maybe all that happened was meant for something good and its good to keep moving on. Maybe, after all those miseries,fights,broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment its time to never gave up hope. When I lost my job recently, I had to do it again—I had to repeat the entire process.

I often speak of former lives: careers won and lost; futures not quite lived up to with expectations blah blah. Life before all the emotional and psychological pains blended with the emotional ones. I had to start all over again several times; trying to rebuild confidence and courage, Just not to give up in life. Life taught me to be independent and resilient. Sometimes you need those inherent power within you, when you tend to find yourself flat on your back, staring up at the sky or the ceiling.

Well, if you have tripped and fallen, you probably already have some bruises, so you don’t need to beat yourself up about it. The thing is that sometimes you fall due to circumstances beyond your control. It’s not your fault. I always kept on blaming myself for all the past mistakes, I did. Things happen, and it can be easier to use your emotional remote control to replay things over and over again than to get up, and manually hit pause, or better yet, erase.

And, sometimes when you fall, you might need a hand for getting up off the ground. If some one reaches out to help, you get back on your feet, consider their offer. Don’t hurt that person, It’s not weakness, but giving up is or losing control: it’s the recognition that there will be times when picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and starting all over again can only be done by accepting help from another person who really care about you, not the one pretend to play martyrdom.







Thursday, 1 January 2015

Let Them Walk Away and Peace Out!!


Someone told me that how we will become like the people we hang out with. It’s true. In five years, you’ll become a conglomerate of the people you spend the most time with. In fact, if I wanted to know who you were going to be five years from now, I’d not ask what you do but want to spend a little time with the folks you spend time with. That alone would tell me who you were going to become.

Sadly, some people are so entrenched in seeing the negative side of things that they leave zero room for positive things to grow. People like this inhabit our families, work environments and social circles. It can be emotionally draining just being around them. Ignore these people and move on in life.

Seriously, Enough is enough! Letting go of negative people doesn’t mean I hate them, or that I wish them harm; it just means I care about my own well-being because every time I subtract negativity from my life room is open for more positive ones. Some people love to stir up controversy and drama for no apparent reason. Its better to stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create my own.

Literally put them all on a map and ask ourselves whether we want to become like these people or not. If we don’t, I strongly believe that, its time we take decision to consider letting some relationships go. It's scandalous, I know. But I recommend it all the time. Trust me, It helps you a lot.

We should be doing what we like doing and stand what we want to inviting others to join us. And if they won’t come, we grieve. But its time to move on all the same. Some relationships simply aren’t good, its better to let them go. This simple paradigm shift helped me a great deal.

If someone doesn’t want to be in my life why on earth would I still want them.  Because people emotionally blackmail reminding of those good times and conveniently forgetting the bad. Why is that? I miss all the good things, of course I do – I know when they made me feel good and gave me what I needed emotionally and physically. However, I also cant forget to keep in mind all the times they made me feel less than loved and inadequate at times.

For example, They completely do anything to help rather having drinks and telling we are with you always. What about using me to show off to their loser friends? What about portraying myself what I need to be done. Anger, resentment and anxiety will only hurt, so why go there? They’re NOT worth it!! One of the hardest things in the world to do is to watch someone walk away. It’s not only an emotional blow, it’s a blow to the ego.  No one wants to be rejected.  Whatever the reason for the split it was for the best. It really always is. I always say this “everything happens for the right reason and you are always where you need to be when you need to be there.”

Time to Just let them walk away, I am sure will be really be glad as I always did.